Me, after my bath

Dorn, I thought I had dodged the bullet, but no, no such luck. What happened? Well, the other day I had what I thought was a great field day. You know exploring the forest and getting up to snuff with the latest and greatest. There were lots of new perfumes that I had to try out. It helps to get rid of the weird smells that the humans put on me and the ladies seem to like it. So, I had just taken a nice stroll, hmm roll, in the forest when mom pulled me aside for THE sniff test a.k.a. the S-test.  This test is not to be taken lightly and involves several steps that you have to pass before you are cleared to continue your business as usual. I have written down the steps so that you are all forewarned:

Step 1. The first step consists of a good sniff over.  It is a 50-50 chance that I pass this test as mom’s sniffing capabilities are not the greatest. Ms. Zulu sometimes messes up here because if she starts sniffing me in unusual places, mom is on Code Red Alert (CRA). CRA means business or immediately go to step three.  However, if I pass the S-test I am safe and I can go to the last step. If the S-test is inconclusive or directs the tester to some wonderful forest perfumes (for some reason humans call these the smells of death), I have to endure step two.
Step 2. For step two, white doggie wipes are being pulled out. My goodness, do they have to be used everywhere?!  If the plastic gloves come out at this point you might as well give up and put all paws in the air because this means in human terms that you are too dirty to be touched. If the white wipes stay white while I am wiped all over, I am probably good. If the wipes show some, and I mean really some MINISCULE speck of dirt, then I am basically screwed and we immediately end up in the next step. If the second step is inconclusive we also go to step three. So basically I can’t win here.

Step 3. Step three is the bath of shame, where I am washed with shampoo all over AND that means I get WET everywhere!!!!!*
Step 4. Step four is the good part and can show up right after the second step or during the third one. If I behave well I get lots of treats. I  have conquered this step really well and make sure that this step is never forgotten. P.S.: I have a secret weapon that works like a charm: always put on your most pitiful face while you make it look like you are really trying your best to endure this horrible, horrible act and I guarantee you that you will get more treats than you probably deserve.  

* No, no pictures of me in the bathroom in my birthday suit here. After all, this a decent site.